Rarely
does a couple plan on a divorce when they say “I do”. Marriage and “I do’s” are
typically said with the intention of “’Til death do us part”.
If
a couple does have the foresight to plan for the demise of their nuptials, it
is usually with fore planning to the financial end. There are approximately
2,077,000 marriages in the United States every year[1].
Of these, approximately 41% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages and 73%
of third marriages end in divorce[2].
USA Today, in a March 2010 articles states there are approximately 63,310
prenuptials drawn up each year for these 2,077,000 marriages, equaling 3% of
marriages.
Typically,
a prenuptial addresses certain financial obligations and responsibilities
between partners in the event a marriage fails. Some famous prenuptials have
included Dennis Hopper, Tiger Woods and Michael Douglas.
However,
prenuptials do not necessarily address the needs, other than perhaps financial,
of the children born into a marriage. And since only 3% marriages have
prenuptials, we can surmise that the majority of children affected by divorce
were not privy to the advantages of a prenuptial.
So
what exactly are the issues facing children of divorce? And what are the
emotional costs to children when their parents divorce? Many children of
divorce face emotional problems, early sexual experimentation, a higher that
average high school drop out rate, juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, drug
use, and behavioral defiance are a few of the ways a parent’s cost of divorce
is paid by a child. Many face issues of abandonment, fear of intimacy, a
general feeling of not belonging, insecurity, feelings of worthlessness, anger,
and anxiety. Some may become over achievers seeking to “earn” the love they are
missing.
The
issues facing children of divorce differ from those facing children of intact
families, not because the issues of adolescence and childhood differ so much, as
the children of divorce are subject to the anger, instability and chaos that
their parents' unfinished business has inflicted upon their lives. It is
important to remember that not all children of divorce suffer ill effects. Many
long-term studies, by Judith Wallerstein and others, suggest that the impact of
divorce on children is cumulative[3].
What this means is that over the course of time, parents negative behavior will
affect the children.
At
the time of divorce children have already endured much with respect to familial
distress and discord. When children first realize or are told their parents are
divorcing many things give cause for a child’s concern; Fear of change,
wondering who will care for them, concern for finances, loyalty, guilt, etc.
For many children the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings of inferiority and
inadequacy begin at the time of their parents divorce and last a lifetime.
How
do these emotions play out? What does the emotional cost look like when
manifested in daily behavior? People speak of “acting out”. When children are
upset and misbehaving, it is often said that they are “acting out”. When a
child acts out (s)he is behaving in a way that displays the anguish,
frustrations and emotions (s)he is feeling. A child typically lacks the ability
to articulate the degree of frustration (s)he is feeling and therefore “acts”
that emotion out. It is a cry for help as well as an opportunity for the parent
to teach the child how to cope with all that (s)he is feeling.
Acting
out can look like many things; defiant behavior, sexual promiscuity, under age
drinking, drug use, etc… The 2009 Monitoring the Future Survey states that 37%
of 8th graders and 72% of 12th graders have used alcohol
prior to graduation. With divorce rates hovering around 50% it is safe to say
that the majority of youth using alcohol in middle and high school have been
exposed to divorce. As youth seek solace from the feelings of abandonment they
may experience from their parents divorce, they are vulnerable to promiscuity
and premature sexual activity. Daughters coming from female single parent
households are much more likely to become single parents and to rely on welfare
for support as adults than daughters from two-parent households[4]. Their parents' inability to sustain the
relationship that counted most to them and the subsequent loss of connection to
their fathers seem to have eroded these young peoples' sense of identity and
ability to trust others and commit themselves.(Spohn)
Children
bear the emotional cost of their parents divorce because they lose their
childhood and innocence in the process. Not all children, but many do. Too
often children of divorce are expected to help with the caretaking of younger
siblings. This can cause stress and distress for the older sibling who must
then “give up” his/her childhood to baby sit and play “mom” or “dad” to the
younger sibling. This situation causes stress between siblings also. It puts
siblings into parental roles of authority that are not healthy for the family.
One of the
greatest emotional costs to children of divorce is the divided loyalty or
loyalty conflict they may feel. Children want to love their parents, both of
them. When parents fight, whether they want to or not, they put their children
in the position of trying to determine who is right and who is wrong.
Unfortunately parents also use their children to hurt each other. This is one
of the most harmful and damaging things a parent can do. Forcing a child to
take or pick sides is cruel. Children have the right to love their parents,
both of them, without the interference from the other parent. Forcing a child to take sides can lead to
long-term affects influencing a child’s life relationships.
Interestingly,
children can be resilient and things and emotions that affect one child or
family may or will not affect another family. How does one protect children
from the negatives of divorce? Can children be protected from the
negatives of divorce? The answer is yes. And it is simple. Parents need to love
their children MORE than they are angry with the spouse they are divorcing.
Children whose parent’s that divorce but still put the children first typically
fare better that warring parents. It is the warring that causes the damage.
Warring might be over money (and it typically is), time spent with the
children, holidays, weekends, sleepovers, pick-ups, drop-offs, birthday
parties, discipline, lack of discipline, hygiene or clothes, dating, a parents
new boyfriend or girlfriend or a remarriage. The warring can be over anything
but it usually is not about the topic at hand. Warring spouses are usually not
finished emotionally with each other. Unfortunately this drags the kids into
the war, and this is where the damage is done. Even after the divorce is final
kids are still living with the chaos of their parents conflict. How to get
beyond it? Place the children first. “Two things are essential for the welfare
of the children: a stable and predictable arrangement, and access to both
parents.” (Nichols)
The emotional toll
on children who have come from divorced and warring families does more than
just affect the children; it affects our society. We have prisons that are over
flowing, we have juvenile detention centers that are filled, we have rehab
centers that are not adequate to serve the population in need, we have a
welfare system that is inadequate, we have a healthcare system that is failing
the sick and needy. All of these are victims of a society that is not healthy.
When our children are safe and healthy our society is safe and healthy. As our
most vulnerable resource children need to be protected and that includes from
parents who are warring. Society also
has a stake in parents' remaining committed: "It is the experience of
dependable and durable family bonds that shapes a child's sense of trust and
fosters development of such traits as initiative, independence, and even
risk-taking," Dafoe writes. "Without these traits, it is extremely
difficult to cultivate other personal characteristics such as resourcefulness,
responsibility, and resilience, which are essential in a pluralistic society
and a demanding global economy." (McLanahan) To this end, it is important
that parents realize the damage that they can do to their children when they
abandon them in a divorce, or hurt them while warring in a divorce. Children,
especially young children, can be forgotten in the crossfire and accidentally
hit and injured for life. If parents can remain as diligent in their child
rearing through a divorce as they were about their courtship before marriage,
children can make it through a divorce without being scathed. But it takes
diligence on the part of both parents to keep the emotional health of the
children first and foremost in their minds as they re-shape the family they
once had into the family they will become.
Nichols, Michael P., The Power of the Family, 1988
Sara S. McLanahan, "Family Structure and Dependency:
Reality Transitions to Female Household Head ship," Demography 25, Feb.,
1988
Spohn, William C., The American Myth of Divorce, 1998
